Saturday, February 25, 2012

"Where am I?"

"In the Village."

Hello Surrealists.  Welcome Dadaists.  It's a Meet & Magritte.

Every day, if the fiber kicks in...I meet the New Number 2.  I've Resigned, myself to it.

You know my name.  Look up the number.

What's in a number?  You know Number 6.  Have you met Number 54?  He's the Music Arranger.  Has a Studio.  The House Band?  Why...The Village People, of course.  Number 8 is the DJ.  If you try to leave, your progress is halted by a floating disco ball.  Known as Raver.

Como?  Who is Number Juan?


On Perry Mason the other night, Season 6, Volume 2 (how CURIOUS!), the lawyer's client was a toothless prospector who couldn't afford the legal fee.  Perry took his false teeth.  He told secretary Della Street to make note of the retainer.

If Shirley Temple had married The Saint, would she have been Shirley Templar?

If the Girl from U.N.C.L.E. had married Austin Powers, would she also be known as Stephanie Powers Powers?

Did Ironside ever listen to Leadbelly?

Did the Streets of San Francisco ever clean up during sweeps?

How could Frankenstein produce a Son if he was Baron?

Have Gum, Will Chew.  Wire Pallidentures, San Francisco.

It's true what they said about Ed Sullivan.  He had "a Really Big Shew."  And anyone with "a Really Big Shew" had a Really Big Foot.

When the Italian Mouse replaced Jon Anderson in Yes, Tales from Topo Gigio Oceans was briefly rehearsed.

When Wayne and Shuster broke up, followed by Simon and Garfunkel...Simon and Shuster was also considered.  "Book them!"

Topo Gigio was once a member of the Rat Pack.

Senor Wences once tried to enter the fast food business with a brand of cole slaw only sold at Christmas.  It was called Good King Wences' Slaw.

Christopher Walken's first attempt in pop music was to join Missing Persons.  The song Walken in LA, has never seen the light of day.

The Shadow had the "power to cloud men's minds."  Did he also have the power to cloud Carly Simon's coffee?

Simon and "a Really Big Shew" stir.  It all makes perfect sense now, tee-hee.

"What do you want?"

Monday, February 13, 2012

"You mean an early clue to the new direction?"

More chatter to get people to distance from you:

Pixar films are going to animate classics from Russian literature.  First up: Tolstoy Story.

The candy favourite among masochists is S & M & Ms.

Among painters, the Impressionists are not my favourites.  None of them can do a decent Jimmy Stewart, James Cagney or Edward G. Robinson.

Comparing the S.S. to the C.I.A., I find Gestapo men (and women) were better dressed.

Fans of Sherlock Holmes with a fiber shortage are sometimes called the Baker Street Irregulars.

A curse of getting older is having more chins than a Chinese phonebook.

The Eskimos have only made one porno film.  It's called Deep Nose.

An early case of depression prompted suicide by slashing my wrists.  However an innate fear of razor blades made my attempt with a Lady Schick futile.

My parents dismissed my belief that I had been adopted.  Why then on the back of my birth certificate did it say "printed at Knott's Berry Farm?"

Porsche is considering a new off road vehicle: The Karl Land Rover.

When the Venus de Milo was sexually assaulted by a man in 1776, the charge was statutory rape.

Lord Byron was a private member of the Club Foot.

Have you read the new biography, J. Edgar Hoover: The Man and the Vacuum?  It sucks.

Does Putin have a rasp?

Mickey Mouse always wears gloves so he never leaves prints.

Bugs Bunny was cinema's biggest transvestite.

If Joseph Cotten had married Slim Pickens...Well, you can see where that's going, can't you?

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Monday, February 6, 2012

"You don't see many of these nowadays, do you?"

Cocktail Conversation (and How to Put an End to It Immediately):

Did you see that picture of Mitt Romney and his family on the Sunday Parade Magazine?  I thought it was an ad for HBO's Big Love.

The estate of Aldous Huxley and Home Depot are promoting a new line of housing improvements.  First out are The Sliding Glass Partitions of Higher Consciousness and The Windows of Awareness.

I had a dream about you last night, but unfortunately I slept through most of it.

You haven't lived until you've heard Henry Kissinger's rendition of Lou Reed's Walk on the Wild Side.

Zamfir was once a member of Joy Division.

Jean-Paul Sartre's No Exit has been updated and is called No Off Ramp.

A new science fiction series about a world run by interior decorators is coming out.  It's called Planet of the Drapes.

How many angels can give head on a pin?

Slim Fast announces product that can turn thick bricks thin.

Typographical error turned silent film star great Lon Chaney into the Man of a Thousand Feces.

Huey Lewis recording song for toupee replacement company.  Title: I Want A New Rug.

Rejected pilot for spy series featuring Victorian foot fetishists. The Man from A.N.K.L.E.

When Ann Coulter drinks tomato juice, she looks like a thermometer.

The Blue Nun, Blue Man Group and the Smurfs have all dropped Blue Cheer.

Piers Morgan and Pierce Brosnan both have Pierced Nipples.

Carl Jung once said after trying absinthe..."If you are bi-sexual, psychopathic and schizophrenic, than you are a bi-psycho built for two."

A new coffee shop called Deja Vu was soon to open in Santa Barbara.  When asked if I was going, I replied, "No, I've already been there."