Tuesday, April 16, 2013

"Monsters from the Id."

Have started a video rental business called RUDE BOX.  Hidden inside the crimson kiosk, I insult the unwary customer's lowbrow Nicolas Cage selection.  Embarrassed, they take with great regret, some IFC release of Euro-trash, which is masqueraded as a weighty, intellectual, philosophical journey of the soul, but is in reality just a perve-E film of older men fondling younger unclad women...usually in France, Italy or Australia.
Pleased... that once again, I have ruined another battered down worker ant's desire for mindless entertainment, I laugh, cryptically...concealed with the deep bowels of my red re-Tardis like kiosk.
My Superior Taste has mocked the tragic peon, who had been eyeing the nine new Danny Trejo films that had been just released this week.  They HAVE to be good, or why would they release so many?  Ditto Ray Liotta, Tom Sizemore and Michael Madsen.  But I digress...
There are never enough films made about zombies, serial killers and drug deals gone bad.
"What's THE SCARIEST FILM you have?"  If I had a dollar for each time this is asked.  "Anything with Mary-Kate and Ashley,"  I reply on cue...the effect on the customer like being slapped in the face with a freshly caught ahi ahi.
Or, I love it when they bring up the torture-porn horror film and it's Romanian:  "You know this film is foreign," I say, sounding like Peter Lorre before kidnapping a child.  "But it IS in English?" they ask, in bug-eyed horror.  "It has subtitles...(I pause...for effect, like Clifton Webb)...in ENGLISH."
"You mean I have TO READ IT?" they sputter.
Oh, how I love that bit.  :)