Monday, December 12, 2011

"Come in and warm youself by this roaring candle."

Stuck for holiday gift ideas?  Maybe I can help.

What do you get for the man who has everything?  A box to put it all in.  Or...

A home vasectomy kit, which doubles as an office stapler.

A nouvelle vague Eastern Smoking Accessories Set.  Also known as New Wave Hookahs.

Retro gifts from Fashion State, including the Elite Gonad Reducer ("If you've GOT IT, GET RID OF IT!").  Vintage sets include Electric Wrist Clamp with Automatic Limper.

A weekend retreat at Ma & Kettle's Spa on the Farm.  Yak sperm facials and monkey knee injections highly recommended.  Feel truly cleansed with the Bo Tox Derek High Powered Colonic Infusion.  Located North of San Diego in Cognito, California.

Holiday music?  How about a download or just unloading some from GuyTunes?  The premiere music service, long before Crapple, features the best of the festive season.  Bing Crosby singing "You're Beginning to Feel a Belt on Christmas."  Inebriated holiday party goers think this song is an ode to a full octane egg nog, but abused children know better.

Or always my favourite: "Chet's Nuts Roasting by an Open Fire" ("...Jack Frost's nipple in your ear...").  This Classic Christmas song from the early fifties is the only recorded noel for nudists.  Speculation over the Naturist's identity, warming his nutsack in front of the hearth, have included Chet Atkins, Chet Baker and Chet Huntley.

The literary minded?  How about something special for the connoisseur?  If you're buying for Dick Cheney, forget it.  He already has the Babylon Scrolls.  But how about a copy of Vladamir Nabokov's little known script for Sesame Street?  Briefly pitched as Elmo Reads Lolita, this text features Humbert Humbert and Ernie.

Perhaps even rarer is the manuscript for Tarzan and the Naked Lunch by Edgar Rice William S. Burroughs, Siamese twin authors, separated at the wallet.

Sample text: "I've GOT a MONKEY on my back!" Tarzan screamed.  "And it's NOT CHEETAH!"

I can hear the hum...BUG!

"And are there two G's in Bugger Off!?"

Happy Christmas from the Pagan Scientist.