Monday, June 6, 2011

The Sin Spots Of Europe

"Yumpin' yart fanoot!  Effer tim I write, it seems I don't know vhere to begin.  It seems dat all of Europe is philled vith der steaming Sin Spots."

So begins another letter from my friend Olaf Sniffsen, Sweden's greatest authority on the pleasure palaces of the world.  I know I could print his letter in its entirety, but Olaf writes like he talks; in an accent as thick as cream of monkey soup.  Instead, I'll mention some of the unusual nightspots my friend frequents.

"Hamburg is probably der dirtiest city in Europe, if not just Germany," writes Olaf.  The Reeperbalm is known as the Street of Sin.  The Alleyway of Sin is the Tigerbalm.  The streets are filled with clubs, movie houses, shops for unusual appliances and parlours of certain pleasures.  Here is the home of the notorious "Ich Bin Naughty Naughty Klub."  It features live sex shows with naked toasters and nude washing machines.  Fraulein Beebee and the Typewriters of Sappho was the current popular attraction at the Klub.

"Der room is philled vith der scent of human steam.  You can cut der atmosphere vith a knife, but most preferred a garden trowel.  Beebee is on der stage, groping vith a Smith-Corona 2200 Electric.  Businessmen, on veekend from Munich, are shouting out 'Backspace!  Backspace!' and 'Release your margins!'  Beebee is not too good on der forward cartridge motion, but her backspace is incredible.  Men in der front row could see just how loose her margins vere."

Olaf Sniffsen further describes some of the specialty shops.  Every taste is catered to, every kink is satisfied, no matter hour outre.  For a certain sum of Deutsche Markes, a man can wrestle in the nude with a sofa, or be massaged with an electric golf cart.  In a shop catering to humiliation, a woman named Gretta will criticize the length of your trouser legs.

"But be careful of der bogus German Sex Clinics," warns Olaf.  He mentions that one clinic offers a home vasectomy kit, which doubles as an office stapler.

The best porno films in Europe are in Holland.  "Hot Sheets in Amsterdam is probably my favourite film," Olaf writes.  "Based on a short story by Nikolai Gogol, der modern setting of a Dutch call girl operation only heightens Gogol's rustic observations.  Der colour is pretty good too.  No purple tint."

Olaf goes on to mention that the audiences for these films are better in Holland also.  Certainly the Screaming Beaver Theatre chain in America is one of the finest operations anywhere.  But a bad audience of loud, rude and unsophisticated juveniles can always ruin it for the discriminate erotic cinemagoer.  You'd think they had never seen a woman before with 20 Chinese waiters (as Veronica Nose had in Throbbing Big Guys).  It's the discomfort of audiences like these that is forcing people into the purchase of adult home video equipment.  Soon we shall all be urban voyeurs.  But enough commentary.  My thanks to Olaf Sniffsen for his global observations.

Speaking of films, on a less pornographic but still graphic level, is Paper Schrader's latest work Penguin People.  The films stars my favourite Pistachio Kinki (daughter of German enigmatic actor Krauts Kinki).  British actor Malcolm McDroll plays Kinki's brother who, due to ancient relatives having intimate relations with Arctic seabirds, turns into a penguin.  The only way to stop this Eskimo Curse is for the brother to have sex with his sister.  Despite a recent obsession with the frozen fish section in the supermarket, Kinki refuses to fall for his ploy and, needless to say, all Hell freezes over.  After endless havoc, Kinki accepts her fate to be.  "I just couldn't believe my brother could transform himself into a deadly penguin," Kinki says to the Eskimo housemaid.  "I guess I should have suspected something was wrong when I saw his bedroom slippers in the freezer."

[First published June 8, 1982.]