Monday, July 5, 2010

Food and Drink, Without the Food

"I think that I shall never find / A friend more true, than that of wine."

Goethe wrote those words, on his infamous Lost Weekend. They appeared in his epic poem Frog Hairs, written entirely in cottage cheese. Later, when he had sobered up, his publishers convinced him the work would not be commercially viable. Using a pen, he changed the work to Faust, but he still believed in those two lines, often quoting them to his friend Beethoven.

Such is the staying power, the longevity of wine. Can any man's discoveries stand higher? Empires come and go, but a good glass of wine is eternal. Your author admits to a delicate weakness for the white variety of grape. German, French and California white wines, and in that order.

There are four varieties of German white wines, all coming from river regions of the Moselle and Rhine. The first variety is non-vintage, and therefore is not certified with an A.P.R. number, thus assuring its vintage.

The second variety is the Qualitstatwein, or quality wine. This includes your Liebfraumilch, or young girl's milk. The grapes are harvested in mid-summer. Next comes your Qualistatwein Mit Pradikit, or quality white wine with pradikit. The grapes are harvested in early fall. This variety includes the Rieslings, named after German winemaker Max Rumpo Riesling. Finally comes the variety harvested in late fall, when the frost is giving a cold hickey to the grapes. This group includes the Zehr Liebfraumilch, or very young girl's milk, and is called the Qualitstatwein Mit Polanski. The grapes are crunched by virgin girls wearing new thongs from Kyoto.

California wines are inferior to German wines, but are unique in one special way. California can claim sole manufacture of fine Industrial wines. American knowhow has produced a fine vintage from artificial plastic grapes. Most of these wines are harvested in the San Gabriel Valley. The artificial plastic grapes are crushed by young Ford Trucks. You're missing a treat if you haven't sampled a fine Industrial wine from Pomona. Good with fish, or foul.

When it comes to spirits, no one does it better than the Nippon Gin Company of Toyko. Japan's leading manufacturer in all alcoholic beverages, the Nippon Gin Company first became known for Godzilla Stout Malt Liquor. A couple cans of Godzilla Stout Malt Liquor, and you have breath that can melt Tokyo. Later came the Rodan Light White Wine, and the Mothra Party Mixes. After many years with these successes, Nippon Gin began importing Rasputin, the Mad Vodka, and later, Nun of the Abode.

Secret of The Blue Nun label revealed!!!

Since I mentioned Nun of the Abode, perhaps it is now time to reveal the secret meaning of The Blue Nun label. Let's look at the label together now, and I will explain its cryptic inner meaning. Note the label: You will see six nuns in the field, all seemingly in the act of harvesting grapes. Of the six nuns, all but one is looking directly into the eyes of the bottle beholder. Note the looks on the two nearest you. Pious expressions? Hardly. These are the looks of two sexually lascivious women, especially the wicked one on the left. She is steaming with sensual passion. Why, you may ask? Because of the nun with its back turned to us. Harvesting grapes? Or just leaving the scene of the crime? The third nun, in the middle, is not a woman. It's a man, who under the guise of blueish sisterhood, sneaks in for a vine covered frolic. All these years, getting away with a group cloistered lark. Remember, you read it here first! It's the truth. Would I lie to you? Have I ever met you before? Pardon me now, while I pour myself another glass of wine. I think I shall toast the words of Goethe.


[First published August 25, 1981.]