Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Cable TV Guide



Thanks now to Cable G, viewers are given a wide choice of options. The expanded channels offer a wide variety of viewing pleasures, often confusing the initiate. It is the intention of this author to clear away the smokescreen of confusion surrounding the number of cathode possibilities. Let's take a spin around the dial, shall we kids?

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14 KREA - Los Angeles Korean Programming. Most popular show is Seoul Train.
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15 C-SPAM - Live coverage of the Food and Drug Administration. Meat the Press airs every Sunday evening.
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16 SWEATTIME - 24-hour Health and Fitness Programs. Added emphasis on shows with gyrating women wearing gaudily colored latex stretch outfits and furry legwarmers.
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17 FBN - Los Angeles based Furniture Broadcasting Network. Combines Christianity with Upolstery, Dogma with Drapery. "We're all God's Interior Decorators," sez Evangelist Oral Hygiene.
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18 LOCAL GOVERNMENT ACCESS - Usually pre-empted for calendar of cat shows at Duke of Earl Showgrounds.
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19 COMMUNITY PROGRAMMING - Local access shows. Includes the popular Square Dance program, a documentary on scrimshaw jewelry, and the entertainment feature "Sushi Happy Hour and Dollar Shooters."
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20 HOBO HOME BOMB OFFICE - 24-hour movies featuring all the movies you avoided last year. This month's first run highlight is Ricky Business, a story based on I Love Lucy in which Ricky and Fred run a high class Cuban call girl operation while Lucy and Ethel are out of town. Wacky results ensue when the girls unexpectedly return. Other special features on HOBO include the exclusively made film, The Ed "Kookie"Byrnes Story with David Bowie (pictured) in the title role.
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21 RETAIL CLERKS ACCESS - Programming featuring the latest on wage, medical, dental and other health benefits for clerks, stockers, busboys and butchers. Added emphasis on price checks and check guarantees. Although the viewer may sometimes find out the price of tomatoes, mystery will always surround the motto: "22 on 6, please."
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22 CINEMUCK - Same as HOBO, with added emphasis on drive-in and exploitation films. Late night runs of psycho-slasher films like "Groundhogs Day," "Bar Mitzvah," and "Friday the 13th, Part 69," as well as brainless teenage sex comedies like "Mediocre Times at Marymount Girls' School" and "Wet T-Shirt Cheerleaders."
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23 THE BASKETBALL CHANNEL - Self-explanatory.
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24 CNT - 24-hour Happy Face News Network. Many animal stories, especially ducks and penguins. (Actually different joke here, but fear of reprisals leads to self censorship.)
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25 THE READERS DIGEST CHANNEL - Condensed family programming, featuring only the opening and closings of programs, thus avoiding the trauma and stress of plot development.
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26 SPNGE - The Nostalgia Network. Also known as The My Network due to unlimited reruns of "My Little Margie," "My Three Sons," and "My Mother, The Car."
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27 NIPPLEODEON - Programming for undernourished, non-breast fed children.
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28 USSR NETWORK - 24-hour Russian Programming. Includes popular soap opera "All My Communists." More on this channel later.
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29 MANILAVISION - 24-hour Philippine language movies. Features the entire "Blood Island" series with John Ashley.
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30 BRONCO - Cultural programming for horses.
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31 THE ENTHUSIASM CHANNEL - Steamy A-Dult Entertainment. Includes hardcore films trimmed down like John Laundry and Jessee St. Trash in "Say Rude Things to Me." Also features too much of not-so-funny-man Pat McNausea in dumb game shows like "Spin The Brothel" and "Let's See Your Naughties."
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32 SHAWTIME - Network devoted to endless productions of "Pygmalion," "Major Barbara," and "Me and Superman."
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33 THE BANJO NETWORK - 18-hour programming featuring everything you would ever care to known about the banjo.
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34 N M UH TV - The Video Music Network. Featuring everyone who is popular in pop music. Last week it might have been Boy Gandhi and the Curry Club, this week it could be Billy Fist ("Nice Day for a Crisco Welding"), next week heavy metal group Twisted Scotsman. It all happens here.
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35 KBN - The Kitchen Broadcasting Network. All food programming. Hosted by the International I-Talien Gourmet, Chef Bruno Languini.
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36 THE DEJA VU CHANNEL - Reserved for future use, but you know that whatever it is, you've seen it before.




[First published on September 12, 1984.]